I know it’s been a while, so I should probably start off by stating that I’m still someone’s girlfriend; which means I have a boyfriend. But that being said, I’m having a little trouble tonight with him- although, it really does have much more to do with me than him. In fact, he’s done absolutely nothing but be wonderful… which may be my problem overall. (Seriously, he’s fantastic!)
Okay… I’m just going to come out and say it because I’m actually completely confused right now by how I’m feeling. So here it goes. Out there for everyone (or whoever reads this) to hear: Maybe I’m really not the girlfriend type. I mean, here I am… with a fantastic boyfriend who thinks the world of me, and I just can’t drop the guard and let myself be with him. In a way, I’m afraid of letting him fall for me? I don’t know. Honestly, I’m trying to figure out what’s going on inside of me as much as you are as you read this post.
On that note, I think I’m going to leave it at this. I know I owe you (and me) a much longer post, followed by many other long posts, but unfortunately I’ve found myself in a blogger’s block. Maybe it’s the relationship, and the fact that I don’t really have guy problems to vent about. (Maybe?) Although, based on tonight’s reflections, I think I need to utilize this blog of mine as an outlet since I’m struggling a bit right now to hold onto myself as I continue along with this new role as an amazing someone’s girlfriend.
The following post was written for the blog, Peace & Penguins,and tackles the topic of Love & Anxiety- which are two things that I know little and a lot about, respectively.
When Alisha asked me to write a guest blog post on Love & Anxiety for Peace & Penguins, I thought that it would be an easy hour therapy session of rehashing my life stories of insecurity, doubts, and regrets. But unfortunately, for the past week, I’ve struggled to get anything down on paper. So here I am, over a week after telling her that she’d have my piece in no time, trying to figure out exactly what I can say about love & anxiety…which are ultimately the two words that have haunted me during my 28-year old life.
While I’ve questioned how to begin this post, I feel that it is important to start off with the following statement: I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. However, and it’s an incredibly big HOWEVER, I’m actually (finally) on the verge of entering one…but more on that later.
Today I came across the following lines in the novel, 50 Shades of Grey, which really struck a chord with me. Here are the lines, and I’ll explain later:
Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is I just haven’t met anyone who… well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for the fabled trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly moments.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps, I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.
Anastasia Steele (50 Shades of Grey)
For the majority of my young adult life, I have relied on excuses and sarcasm to answer the question, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” And when stating my boyfriend-free background and getting stuck responding to the inevitable question, “What do you mean you’ve never been in a relationship? How is that possible?”, I find the anxiety tingles kicking in as I do my best to change the subject. But here and now, I’ll put those insecurities aside and tell you that Anxiety is the answer to both of those questions.
Unfortunately I’ve been plagued by anxiety for a while now, and it’s held me back from many things over the years. But above all, it’s prevented me from experiencing the love that I always dreamed of; from finding the love I always deserved. For years I’ve thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought I wasn’t good enough to be loved. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough to attract the attention of a man. I thought I would always be alone, because frankly being single is all I’ve really ever known.
Sure, there were those “boyfriends” during my early teen years that typically lasted a few weeks, and then a few guys in my twenties that stayed around for a couple uncommitted hook-ups. However, for the most part, I’ve been that girl who finds herself attending weddings without a plus-one and heading home after last call alone in a cab while the other girls leave on the arm of their significant others.
Now, every once in a while, maybe on the night of a full moon or during a road trip back to Ohio, I’d find myself flirting with a seemingly eligible bachelor and hoping that something more than a one-night stand would come out of it. But unfortunately, my anxiety almost got the best of me as daylight hit and my internal enemy asserted, “Are you crazy? He’s doesn’t really like you. He’s going to leave just like all of the other ones.”
But something changed this past year; something that I really can’t quite explain myself. In essence, I’ve lived this year under the motto: I don’t care anymore. See, instead of letting anxiety hold me back, I’ve fought off the doubts and insecurities and strived to live fearlessly. (Note: A little liquid courage usually helped too.) I took some chances…including using a few daring moves and brave one-liners every once in a while. And with each one of those incidences, I noticed my anxiety towards potential love decreasing.
So that leads me to “The Now”. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I am on the verge of a relationship. Actually… I’m in one. Yes, the girl who thought she’d always be single is in a relationship. (With a wonderful guy, might I add.) I’m pretty much living in disbelief, as are my friends and family who have heard my “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” and “I’ll always be a single” lines, but it really is the truth. Even though it hasn’t yet been discussed, I am practically someone’s girlfriend… which means that I kinda-sorta have a boyfriend. Me? Really? Wow.
To be honest, I’m still processing all of this. I’m trying to convince myself that this is really, while also trying to understand why it’s taken me so long to let myself be in a relationship. Why did I let my anxiety hinder my happiness? Why did I let my insecurities get in the way of being someone’s girlfriend? Why did I let my fears prohibit some amazing guy from being mine? While I can ask these questions again and again, I’ll never fully be able to uncover the answers. But I will remember the anxiety I’ve lived with that held me back from being happy all of those years.
Unfortunately my anxiety is something that I continue to live with. It’s something that I think I’ll always live with. But when it comes to love, I’m learning more and more how important it is for me to combat all of my fears and doubts. For starters, I don’t want to miss out on a chance with a good guy like the one I have right now. I’ve held myself back many times before and simply, I don’t want to live with regrets anymore. Sure it’s scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open your heart up, but the risk is worth it. And honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather know that I took a chance than regret not taking one.
Let me stress that I’m no expert when it comes to love, and in some ways I’m still not convinced that I’ll ever fully understand it. But between you and me, I’m much more open to learning more about it. And that being said, I think I’ll have to start with exploring the whole relationship thing, and maybe officially being someone’s girlfriend.
Sure, it’s not easy and frankly I’m a bit scared, but I’m going to take these chances…starting with this great guy who has seen past my anxieties and boyfriendless past and see what life has in store for me. And hopefully, one day, I’ll be writing a post about love without a mention of anxiety. But for the meantime, I’m just going to take it day-by-day and see what this whole relationship thing is all about.
XOXO
K
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
It’s interesting how a new guy can make you realize the doubts and insecurities you have. It may take a few days, call it the new crush honeymoon period if you will, but then all of a sudden your mind starts playing those darn tricks on you again. Why hasn’t he texted me? When will I see him again? Does he really like me? Boys. They are put on this earth to drive our already-crazy minds even crazier.
No, but seriously, what’s up with me? I was many hours (and drinks) into Sunday Funday and had no expectations going into the date he proposed. But now, after having a fantastic first date, here I am struggling with all those troubling thoughts that have scarred me over the past several dateless years. GRrrr…come on girl, get yourself together!!
After mentioning my successful date to a dear friend of mine, she responded, “Breathe and trust. Silence those fears.” To be honest, when this message came through I was feeling ridiculously confident and still high from the amazing kissing that concluded our date. (Yes, I kissed him on the first date. Actually, I kissed him before our first date, but that’s a whole different story.) But I found myself thankful for her encouraging words when those fears started surfacing the very next day.
Breathe and trust. Silence those fears. That’s what’s keeping my anxious mind (and heart) from falling victim to the worries. Between you and me, I’ve let my fears hold me back for a very long time- much longer than I’ve ever admitted to on this blog- but I really feel like it’s time to trust myself again- and maybe learn to let myself trust someone else too.
As I vowed in a previous post, http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2012/02/23/40-days-and-40-nights/, my Lenten promise was to give up all contact with the man known as Cleveland. To be fair, I did break that pact, but only once. (Sorry, Jesus.) And in my defense, the communication that I did have was a very short and innocent text that, at the time, I felt was my final “Goodbye. I finally moved on.” To tell you the truth, at that time that I confidently sent Cleveland the text, I really was convinced that my feelings were gone. But tonight, as I sit here with visions of him on my mind, I find myself relapsing after the hiatus.
What is it about him that I just can’t seem to fully let go of? Was it our chemistry? His insistent pursuit? The fact that he took a chance on me when no other guy has really done that? Or the fact that because I can’t have him, I want him even more? But then again, am I just stressed out (yes!) from all the running around and mounds of school work that I turn to him (and the memories and chemistry we share) when I find myself needing a destressing time-out?
Even though Lent ended today, I haven’t considered contacting him. Would I like to? Of course. But I know I wouldn’t hear back from him so really what’s the point? Sure, my fearless side says, “Take a chance.” However, common sense says, over and over again, “Let it go.”
In my last post, I wrote, “This past year (with guys) has been interesting, yet disappointing.” There have been no truer words spoken by yours truly than these. Beginning with an escapade last winter, my life has been composed of “Nice to meet you” introductions at the bar to “You are a really good person, but…” dismissals over text. Yep, that pretty much sums of my (lack of) love life this past year.
On Sunday, I added another guy to my list of misfortune. To be fair, I knew it was coming; however, I thought there was a slim chance that this would last more than a few post-hookup texts. But nope, I was wrong yet again. Oh well, another one bites the dust.
It really has been quite a year and one that has brought multiple changes, both good and bad. For some reason, during these last 12-13 months, I have found myself chasing boy after boy with the hope that one of them would turn into something more than a bar drinking buddy or late night text companion. Sure there’s been all of this disappointment along the way, but I think I’m more upset with myself now than anything. When did I become a girl reliant on the attention of a guy?
And more importantly, how do I make it stop?
On Saturday morning, I woke up earlier to (FINALLY) work out for the first time a long time. During that spinning class, one of the things that popped into my mind was how I’ve somehow traded in my therapeutic workouts for pining over boys. To translate that thought, I gave up “me” time that was always very important to yours truly. Seriously lady, what’s wrong with you?
While a lot of my friends have comforted me with “he’s not good enough for you”, “you deserve someone better”, and “he’s an idiot for passing up on you” phrases, I have to say that I stand by my initial belief that the only one to blame here is myself. Why? Because I have lost sight of myself this past year. And because of that, how could I expect The Good Guy, Green Tee-Shirt, Cleveland, or any of those others that wandered in my web to really take a chance on me when I wasn’t too keen on myself in the first place?
So with a much-needed gym membership attached to my key chain, I am also taking control of my life again. I am shedding my boy worries for more “me” time and a boost of self-confident. So on that note, I think it’s time for some yoga.
PS. Thanks for bearing with me this, well, past year. And to all those guys- and honestly, there really haven’t been that many- thank you, I think, for teaching me a few lessons that will hopefully help me when that poor guy decides to stay around longer than any of you have.
1. When am I going to get all of this stuf done???
2. These past few weeks are a complete blur.
3. Did I commit to anything this weekend?
4. Maybe I should do Match.com… (I won’t.)
5. I just need a girls’ night in with wine, pizza, and lots of laughing.
6. Why does it seem like every single girl has a boyfriend/fiance/ husband? Seriously? What’s up with that?
7. How do I have such bad luck with guys?
8. I wish I could just jump on a plane and spent the weekend in California. Preferably Wine Country..
9. I really need to start working out again. ASAP.
10. I need to finish painting my bedroom.
11. I need to clean my apartment.
12. I need to go tanning.
13. I am so excited for my date with Max on Saturday night. (He’s 2 1/2.)
14. Should I really be working (nannying) and going to grad school full-time?
15. Why do I always turn back to thinking about “Cleveland” when there’s no other guy in the picture?
16. This past year (with guys) has been interesting, yet disappointing.
17. I don’t think I’ve opened my refrigerator in 3 days- until tonight.
18. Is the reality show phase ever going to end? Now Melissa Rycroft has a show too?
19. If I can get through tomorrow, then I’ll feel better.
20. Someone’s (unexpected) encouragement really can brighten your day.
21. Ugh, school work.
22. I wouldn’t mind falling asleep in someone’s arms right now.
23. How I possibly have more “me” time with so much going on?
24. I miss my family. I could really use a trip home.
25. Why wouldn’t that guy just give me a chance? What did I do to make him change his mind?
26. Part of me just doesn’t care anymore, about anything.
27. I’m more mentally & emotionally exhausted than physically.
28. I need to write a real blog post soon.
Oh, wait! That’s right! I have a blog! I do. I really do. I have a blog that serves as ‘free therapy” to get my thoughts and feelings out when I’m feeling stressed, lonely, confused, and/or lost in this world. So why haven’t I been using it? Why have I been MIA from my second home?
The God-honest truth is that I’ve been busy. Very busy. Between nannying and school, doing school work and entertaining guests, I’ve hardly had enough time to sleep at night before preparing for the next day. Translation: I am exhausted, but the show must go on!
So while I intended to write a post this morning, instead I’m just going to say: I’m alive, and fairly well. I really am busy, busy, busy. But I guess grad school will do that to you.
I hope all of you are doing well, and I promise there will be another post as soon as something arises that isn’t about grad school, nannying, or my lack of sleep. Until then, cause some trouble for me! XOXO
I woke up on Friday morning and just laughed at myself. Actually, I’ve been laughing at myself since then. I can’t believe I did that! Honestly, kids, I really can’t. Here I was, getting ready to leave the bar with my girlies and I pulled another ridiculous, living in the moment move with a boy who I thought was cute when he asked us if he could have our table when we left. Lol. Wow, I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I invited myself to stay at the bar (table) with him his friends. Lol. Oy vey! You can’t take me anywhere these days…unless you want a good laugh.
To be honest, besides the alcohol, I’m not really sure what’s come over me. Maybe a lot has to do with me not caring anymore about taking chances and making a fool out of myself. Or perhaps I just don’t care, generally speaking, so I’m not going to hold myself back from having a good time- and meeting a few guys in the mean time. Whatever it is, I’m having fun and enjoying the laughs that come the next morning when I shake my head and say out loud, literally, “Kristen, what are you doing?!!” All that matters is that I have a huge grin on my face that next morning and not an ounce of regret- usually, at least.
As I write today, not entirely sure what came over me on Thursday other than Liquid Courage, I’m reminded about the other times in my life when I seemed to be livin’ carefree and confident. The summer before my first year at OU, which continued until I fell hopelessly for Casey, was one of those moments when I remember being immune to worries. To tell you the truth, it’s a time that I always hoped to get back to these past 9-10 years because of the confidence that illuminated from me. Confidence: The best accessory a girl can own. It’s so true, ladies. I swear, if I really could have only one wish for life then it would be to never lose my confidence (again). Trust me on this. Not only do you feel A*MAY*ZING, but you will not believe the attention you will attract. It’s like a Love Potion.
Tonight, for the first time in at least a year, I got off my Brown Line stop and headed down Diversey to the apartment at roughly a decent hour for a weekday night. (Around 6 pm, I believe.) Actually, after getting off the train and heading home- with a detour through Trader Joe’s first- I wondered,Wait, did I make this whole spring break thing up and should really be in class right now? Yes, unfortunately that’s the truth. It sounds like this spring break arrived at the perfect time.
Anyways, as the evening sky darkened, I found myself experiencing some sort of the deja vu. Soon I found myself recalling all of those previous walks home from the train stop that accompanied my relocation to Chicago more than three years ago. As some know, back in the beginning no one- including me- thought that I would make it through the year without moving back to Columbus. However, here I am nearly 3.5 years later, and all I can think about is how much has changed.
For goodness sake, this past year has been an array of changes in itself. From leaving the job that brought here to beginning a full-time grad school program for Child Life, my daily life has kept me on my toes and clinging to any chance of a social life that I could grasp. To tell you the truth, my social life hasn’t been too adventurous lately; however, overall this past year has allotted a fair share of OMG moments. And the wrap-up of this past year couldn’t go without mentioning the boys that somehow found their way into my life. Yeah, some of those situations should more appropriately be classified as WTF moments. However, even thought I had some luck in the guy department this past year, I can stress that there is neither a ring on my finger nor a bun in the oven. Heck, there isn’t even an “It’s complicated” status for this girl anymore.
But then again, while this year has been somewhat adventurous, it also hasn’t been easy. Along with all the changes, I found myself struggling at different points of the year. (Oh well, enough about that.)
As I lay in my bed, ready to fall asleep at the time that I typically arrive home from class, I find myself reflecting back on my time in Chicago and all of the obstacles that I’ve fought to overcome. Wow. It’s really been a wild ride these past 3.5 years, hasn’t it? And to tell you the truth, when I think about every single challenge that I faced, I also remember the friends- either in or outside of Chicago- that helped me adapt to this new life.
While I’m not entirely sure if I’ve reached the point where I truly see Chicago as “home”, I will say that tonight’s walk home allowed me to see just how much of a life I have made for myself here. I guess it’s best to end this post by saying, “I’m glad I came to Chicago in the first place.”
Song of the Moment: Glad You Came by The Wanted
I’m not going to sugarcoat it like everyone else seems to do. I’m not going to tell you that you should celebrate the life that lays ahead of you. The freedom that is granted to you, and the infinite opportunities at your fingertips. Nope, I won’t go there because I know, firsthand, how difficult it is to be twenty-eight and single. I know how lonely it can be to wake up without a boyfriend’s “Good morning, beautiful” text or your Starbucks drink in a to-go cup delivered with love by your doting husband or the cheery calls of an adorable toddler from the room across the hall.
I know that it’s scary to not know what life has in store for you. And even though many will stress how exciting the unknown is, I know it’s more terrifying than anything. I know that you spend more time worrying what you don’t have than fantasizing about what you do. For example, you focus more on why you don’t have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband rather than being excited that you still have the chance to meet the Love of your Life around any corner, or dark bar. Or grocery store trip, because for some reason I’ve been told that it’s the best place to meet someone. (Yeah, I’m not really sold on that, especially since most people at my grocery stores are elderly or obviously in relationships and/or with children.)
I know that when you’re single, at any point in your twenties, you tend to ask, “What is wrong with me? Why am I still single? Why am I always single?” Well, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea why you are single. Consider this one of the great mysteries of the world. But what I do know is that you deserve to be loved and deserve to love someone amazing.
And one day, I promise you, this will come true. One day you will look back on the time when you were twenty-eight and single and wonder why you ever worried in the first place. I really do believe this, so I hope you will to. You are too beautiful, too special to be anything less than ridiculously happy. Maybe twenty-eight isn’t the year you find the love you deserve, but who’s to say twenty-nine won’t be?
Just remember you are worthy of all the beauty, love, and happiness in this world.
XOXO
I know it’s been a while, so I should probably start off by stating that I’m still someone’s girlfriend; which means I have a boyfriend. But that being said, I’m having a little trouble tonight with him- although, it really does have much more to do with me than him. In fact, he’s done absolutely nothing but be wonderful… which may be my problem overall. (Seriously, he’s fantastic!)
