To tell you the truth, I had absolutely no idea that today was the first day of Lent (aka Ash Wednesday) until I heard it mentioned on the radio around 8:15 am CT. So since then, I’ve been thinking about what I could give up for Lent. Hmmmmm…
Boys?
Nah? That’s something I really don’t have to “give up” since they aren’t too prevalent in my life anyways.
Diet Coke? Yes!! I need to give up that since I shouldn’t be drinking it in the first place. (Note: So, I gave up pop back in high school- for Lent actually- and went about 12 years without drinking it, with the exception being with rum, etc. However, for some reason, Diet Coke found it’s way back into my life a few weeks ago. But now…it’s got to go!)
Okay, but there’s something else I need to give up for Lent. Something more difficult then abandoning pop, perhaps? I think I can think of something.
And I did.
For the next 40 days and 40 nights, I vow to not contact Cleveland. I will not text him. I will not email him. I will not call him, and therefore, I will not leave him a voicemail. Additionally, since we’re living in a Facebook World, I will not write him a message either. Even when I’m drunk and missing him, I will not contact him through any of these formats nor others that were not mentioned. Starting now, for at least the next 40 days and 40 nights, I will stand by my pact and have no contact, whatsoever.
So now it’s official. Now I cannot make any excuses- including when I’m drunk. I have to stick to this Lenten plan. I have to see it through. I have to let him go- once and for all.
As I sit in the bedroom of my childhood and adolescent days, I am nearly haunted by the ghosts of crushes past. Gosh, how many boys did I go to bed thinking about in this room? Well, if we could middle school then it may get a little tricky. So scratch that, and let’s only focus on those guys that really caused my head to spin and heart to pitter-patter since my hormonal adolescent days began.
To be honest, I can only remember a handful of real crushes during those days, and some of those leave me questioning if what I was feeling was real or merely part of exploring the world of boys.
But to be fair, I can say that there were probably two or three boys that captured my young heart and filled my dreams- both during the days and nights. However, as I begin to reminisce, more than anything I realize how my feelings for those boys have vanished.
And then there was the love of my life that consumed my heart during those beloved college days. He was the guy that I thought I’d never get over- whether or not we ended up together. For years I truly believed that I would be haunted by feelings for him and therefore, I’d never be able to love another. But here I am now, having to remind myself of him and the fated love I believed we shared.
And over these last few months, I found myself struggling to let go of the feelings I developed for Cleveland. Once again I thought I was doomed to suffer through lost memories of him. I thought my heart was going to broken (again) into millions of pieces without a glimpse of hope to patch it back together.
But here I sit, remembering all the guys that came before Cleveland and how the pain I endured for them, once upon a time. I recall those restless nights where I wondered if s0-and-so liked me to, and those days at school when I hoped my crush would ask me to Homecoming. Though tonight, what I remember the most is how I got over every single one of them, even if I deemed it impossible. All of those guys, from the one I shared my first kiss to the guy I first fell in love, I can honestly say that I’ve gotten over each one of them.
And now, I think I can almost say that I’ve gotten over Cleveland too. Okay, I’ll admit, there have been some moments of daydreams here and there; however, what’s surprised me is how little I’ve been thinking of him. I’m sure it helps that he won’t talk to me, or return any of the few texts I’ve sent in the last couple of weeks. Though, whatever the case may be, I’m left sitting here wondering what I ever felt for him in the first place. Was he another crush? A guy who showed a broken-down girl some attention? Or was it more? Or perhaps, was it ever anything at all?
Even though he’s made it quite clear that we won’t be seeing each other anytime soon, I cannot help but be curious what it would be like if I saw him again. Would the feelings of desire come back? Or would I smile at him with an empty heart? Would I remember those good times that we shared? Or would I look at him and only feel the pain that he caused me as he slowly indicated that he couldn’t do this anymore?
Sometimes I wish we had that extra moment to see what would happen. But then again, maybe it’s better off that we don’t.
Song of the Moment: Glass by Ingrid Michaelson
My heart broke a little bit more today. Twice actually. Twice over a 5-minute period. After hearing about a complication in a friend’s health, I left his hospital room to find myself behind a sobbing woman, whom I presume just lost a loved one. I walked as slowly as I could just wishing that I could go up and give her a big hug, but I knew that it wasn’t my place to do so. Instead, I wrapped my arms around me as I followed behind her towards the exit.
Why is life so unfair? Why do people have to have to struggle with illness, disease, and loss? Why do parents have to lose their young children to incurable diseases such as cancer? Why? Why, why, why?
This afternoon, as the snow swept through the cold Chicago streets, I passed dozens of people shaking cups of change hoping that someone could be so generous as to spare anything they can offer. Ever since I was a little girl venturing downtown with my family to Pirates’ baseball games, my heart has mourned for those who struggle to know if there will be a next meal. Since moving here (over) three years ago, my heart continues to break when I know that I can’t help each person who shivers in the cold and longs for a sandwich.
Why is life so unfair? Why do people have to have to struggle to find shelter, food, and comfort? Why do people have to suffer to meet their basic needs and deal with the pain that comes with an insufficient lifestyle? Why? Why, why, why?
As I’ve shared in many posts before this, I’ve had a difficult time this past year and found myself struggling with depression. But what has always helped me overcome these obstacles is remembering that there are many people who are less fortunate than me. So in other words, my life isn’t that bad and therefore, I really don’t have anything to stress about. But those with cancer and others without a home, they are the ones that my heart worries for.
So why isn’t life fair? Why does a four-year old have to worry about fighting off Neuroblastoma when he should be spending his days playing and laughing with no worries at all? And why does our economy have to be so rough as to force people to lose their homes, belongings, and families and struggle to find a warm place to sleep night after night?
Life is so unfair. And it breaks my heart.
I can start by saying that I’ve been trying to write a post for the past few weeks, especially after realizing that it’s been quite a while since I”ve done so. I really have. But with my schedule, by the time I get home from class at night, I am only thinking about getting my schoolwork done and getting into my bed ASAP.
Tonight is different. For starters, I don’t have to do any schoolwork tonight since I’m out of class until Monday. (Yes!) And second, I have enough time to take the time to reflect on what’s going on with me. After all, this blog is currently my therapy and therefore, I need to use it as such.
Okay, let me backtrack. Let me tell you what has been dwelling on my mind these past few hours- or maybe the past few days. Now I’m not going to go into details, but will say that I’ve been struggling with trying to get someone to trust me; to trust that I am someone who puts others before herself. Someone who is quite A*MAY*ZING, even if she doesn’t always admit that about herself.
So tonight, a night that I shouldn’t have anything to stress about, I sit and worry about how to make someone see the real me. How can I convince someone to trust me? How can I let someone know that I’m dedicated to the task at hand? How do I assure someone that I am someone who they will (one day) feel lucky to have in their life?
To be honest, I know I’ll feel better in the morning; and actually, I’m doing okay right now despite writing about it. I just hope that I can show this someone that I’m as wonderful as I’m beginning to believe I am.
PS. I’m feeling much better than I did during the last few posts. I’m definitely getting stronger, day by day.
Okay, Carrie. I want you to be honest with me. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Give it to me straight. Say it exactly how you see it. Tell me what’s wrong with me. Most importantly, tell me what I need to do to change it.
This is the beginning of a conversation I’ve been having in my head for the past week with the fictional character that I’ve always looked up to. To me, she always appears as though “knows it all”. She may not be perfect, but she is fearless when it comes to livin’ and lovin’. She isn’t afraid to be judged nor worried about getting her heart broken. In a stylish outfit and killer heels, every day she opens the door to her apartment and says, “Hello, World! Here I am!”
That’s how I want to be. I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw. I want to break out of this funk (depression) and start living again. I want to strap on a cute outfit and accessorize with a worry-free mind. I want to tell the world, “I’m back!” with a big happy smile on my face.
I’m actually feeling better this week, but know that I have a long way to until I’m back on my feet again. Although I’m confident that spending more time with kids (and much less time staring at a computer screen) will only be in my favor. But I know that I need to work through some things, instead of always convincing everyone and myself by saying “I’m okay”.
But what’s the secret, Ms. Bradshaw? How did you get over your bout with depression back in the first movie? What helped you bounce back to your fabulous self? Any advice? Words of wisdom? What’s the first step that I need to take? What do I need to change? Am I on my way, or do I have a long way to go?
As I begin writing this post I’m reminded of last night, which consisted of a somber version of myself staring at similiar screen shot in an attempt to revert to some blog therapy as a way to break my funk. Seriously, who has a funk on New Year’s Day? Okay, so maybe it makes more sense to call it a hangover/funk. But to be fair, I really can’t blame it as much on the hangover as I’d like. My emotions were too out of whack to blame it on that, and frankly, I don’t think I drank enough the night before to be that hungover. Well whatever it was, it was miserable. Really, really miserable. So miserable that I decided to spare any potential readers and only open up to a few friends (via email and text) about my rough night. (Thanks, girls!)
So unfortunately, last night’s emotional messiness has me feeling off again today. (Think aftershock.) But then again, I’m doing my best to fight it off. After all, it’s a new year! And I have to agree with Darlene when she said that this is going to be a great year for me.
So since yesterday didn’t start the year off too well, I’m going to give today a go. So cheers to a new year and a bundle of changes for yours truly. As always, I have absolutely no idea what to expect this year, but I really hope that I can break out of my funk (depression) as soon as possible and make up for last year. I’m planning to do a lot of self-reflection this year, beginning tonight- after work & class- in hopes that I can really break away from some of my bad habits. So cheers! Let’s get this year started off right!
XOXO
K
Yesterday I received an email from Nathan, who was interested in writing a guest post for Live.Love.Learn.Breathe. How could I possibly say no? As someone who recently decided to pursue a new career path and return to school, I found myself inspired by Nathan’s own story. I hope you are to! Thanks, Nathan, for sharing your journey with us.
At the end of my twenties, I was at a point where I was far from satisfied with my life. I had the typical office job, stuck in a cubicle answering the phone and typing away at a computer. I got together with some guy friends on weekends but didn’t feel as though I had much of a social life other than that. I had all but given up on dating and had resigned to accepting my bachelor lifestyle.
In school, I was one of those kids that had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up getting a degree in business with a minor in psychology, assuming that my degree would get me a decent job with a good salary. While I did get a well-paying job, it was definitely not one that I found to be fulfilling or even interesting. But of course, I had been thinking about money over happiness, assuming that a good salary would lead to happiness outside of work. Now I was stuck.
A phone conversation with my older brother one evening changed all of this. I happened to mention that I wasn’t that happy with my job. He replied, “Why don’t you go back to school?” This is definitely not something I had thought about before. I didn’t know what I would study or how it would help me. My brother mentioned that a friend of his had done it in order to start a new career and that it sounded like something I might try. I said I’d think about it.
I didn’t really think much about it for a few weeks. Then one evening while I was aimlessly surfing around the internet, I decided to do a little research about going back to school, just to settle my curiosity. I’m definitely glad I did. I read lots of inspiring stories about people who seemingly turned their lives around just by following their passions and getting a new degree.
I’ve always been passionate about sports, but at the time I just assumed that the only jobs in sports were for athletes, coaches, and announcers. Somehow I stumbled on a page about sports psychology, and it was as if a light bulb went on above my head. I knew it was for me.
To make a long story short, I ended up going back to school and getting a Master’s degree in Sports Psychology. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. Now I get to work with athletes and other individuals who need help working through injuries, overcoming mental obstacles, and sticking to a training regime. I get to work with others who are just as passionate about sports as I am.
By the way, my self-esteem improved as well, which helped me to meet and fall in love with the girl I’m now married to. Five years ago, I never would have imagined myself in the place I am now.
Maybe you’re frustrated with your job and have passions you’ve never fully explored. While it may not be for everyone, going back to school is one way to turn your life around. With so many degrees available and even options like online college, it’s never been easier.
This article was written by Nathan Henley. He is a sports psychologist who specializes in performance improvement and injury rehabilitation. He also owns the site, Sports Psychology Degree, for students interested in getting a degree in sports psychology.
If I took a shot every time one of my teachers said, “When you enter the real world next year…” during my senior year of high school, I would have been drunk more times than I was in college. (Okay, probably not entirely true but you get the point.) We all now know that for the majority of us, ‘the real world’ did not start until after college, grad school and/or when we finally moved out of our parents’ houses and changed our permanent address. For me, that new permanent address and real world experience was far from Pittsburgh, PA; however, I cannot say the say for most of my high school classmates. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that at least half of them remain in the same state, if not the same city.
Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with that, but will say that I’m not planning on joining the Pittsburgh Residency Club again anytime soon. To tell you the truth, I knew that ever since high school when I would spend my days and nights dreaming of a life outside of here. I imagined living in New York City and working for a popular magazine, or traveling the country as a sports reporter. Other daydreams took me to Florida, California, Hawaii, and any other sunny spot that was far, far away from snowy winters. In essence, I didn’t know where exactly the future would take me but knew it would take me anywhere but here.
Because of this notion, I find myself struggling with trips back home since I know I don’t belong here.
Last night I spent some time with one of my only (remaining) true friends from high school, Matt (MT). As custom after our hangout sessions, I find myself in a juxtapose of thoughts and emotions. My Past vs. My Present/ Future. What’s Made Me vs. Who I Am Today. Most days, as I flicker through Facebook, I struggle to remember those people from my past; and, more importantly, I struggle to remember who I was back then. Or better put, I struggle to figure out if I really am that same girl who once called Pittsburgh ‘home’.
So much has changed these last 10 years. For goodness sake, I’ve changed a lot- or better put, I’ve grown a lot. For starters, I’ve ventured out of the Hampton Bubble and been practically living on my own since then. The friends I had in middle school and high school haven’t been friends since then, and if anything, most of them are nothing more than a Facebook ‘friend’ and someone my mom asks about from time to time. Those former classmates of mine don’t know me anymore, nor do I know them. According to Facebook, most of them are living in Pittsburgh with either a significant other, fiance, spouse and/or child(ren).
And to them, I’m probably just a name from the past that is now living in Chicago and involved in a lot of charity work. Maybe they wonder, or assume, that I have a boyfriend (which I don’t)- although my empty relationship status and lack of photos with guys probably assures them I’m still single. (After all, I’ve always been single. Guess I haven’t changed that much.) And they probably think I’m happy too- as I’ve always appeared to be to those from Hampton. (Happy and very nice is how I’ve always been seen.) To be honest, I don’t remember a time during my teenage years that I was fully happy… which has a lot to do with why I always imagined myself getting out of Hampton in the first place. I just knew there was some other place for me.
But to be fair, there are moments when I wish that I could be one of those people who found happiness in Pittsburgh. Not only would I be closer to my family, but it would be nice to sustain friendships with those who I’ve known since my childhood days. (Thank goodness for Stef and Matt.) But while I could wish and hope sometimes, the truth is I know whole-heartedly that this place isn’t the one for me.
For now that place is Chicago. Chicago is fulfilling those big city dreams of mine, and the people in my life are certainly the friends I’ve been longing to have for some time now. To me, that’s what makes me most content with my life. Sure, I may not be in a relationship, expecting a child, and/or own my place, I know that I’ve living out my dreams. This is something I need to remind myself instead of worrying about what Facebook friends of mine have that I don’t. They may be living out their dreams, just as I’m living out mine.
To be honest, it’s all a blur. I have a hard time believing that tonight has brought the end of another Christmas. Even though I’m sitting here, staring at the lights on the Christmas tree in my parents’ living room, I have to keep reminding myself that another Christmas has passed. But the strangest thing is…it never really felt like Christmas to begin with.
Without any children here to make the holiday a little merrier and brighter, it unfortunately felt like another day with family. It’s not a bad thing, but it just made me realize how much better a holiday can feel when a child is smiling and laughing while running around opening presents and sneaking too many cookies.
The lack of holiday spirit may not merely be the absence of children. Instead it may be the absence of me. While I’ve been feeling more rested since getting home yesterday afternoon, I’m still struggling to get back to my old self again. But I will say that a Christmas gift today gave me a glimpse that things are going to soon change for the better.
So here I am, trying my best to get through this post and noticing I’m failing miserably. Every now and then I’ll glance back up at the lights on the tree in hopes that the Christmas magic will seep into my soul. But while I may feel a bit better, I know I still have a way to go before feeling strong again. A lot has happened since last Christmas- good and not so good. But I have faith that next Christmas will be a different story. The gift that I received today is just one of the reasons why I know this to be true.
I’m pretty sure I speak for every single girl (and probably boy too) when I say that being single isn’t easy- especially during the holidays. There just something about the falling snow and twinkling lights that elicits PDAs, even without the help of mistletoe. It’s not that us singletons are bitter or jealous, but rather we feel taunted by the overload of kisses on every street corner and engagement announcements on Facebook. Again, we’re not bitter…we’re just human. It’s not easy to smile every time you find out another high school ‘friend’ is engaged or hear a valley girl bragging about what her boyfriend is getting her for Christmas on the bus. To be honest, some days it’s just plain difficult. Okay, most days, especially when you’re also struggling to smile through an already-broken heart.
I’m a little disappointed in myself these days. When did I become a cynical girl who stopped believing in true love? When did I begin gagging at the sign of lovey-dovey cuddle sessions at the bus stop? When did I stop spending time with couples at bars asking them how they met? When did I start being one of those sad girls who really doesn’t believe that she’ll ever find love?
The truth is I don’t know how to start believing again. I’m not really sure that I’m capable of doing so granted the sad & cynical state I’ve found myself in lately. Maybe it’s going to take time? Maybe it’s going to take a miracle? Or maybe it’s never going to happen? After struggling for 7 years to get over a first love who never officially knew my feelings (ck) and falling for a guy that I never had a chance of calling mine (“Cleveland”), I find myself grasping for something. Anything that makes me believe again that love is possible for me.
Okay, this is definitely coming off more rash than meant to be, but I guess my point is this: How are broken hearts supposed to be repaired? How can dead hearts become alive again? What is the secret? Who holds the key? There are so many broken hearts in our world today, some of them belonging to very good friends of mine. How can I fix them? How can I make them whole again? How can I help them believe in love again? How can I help them see that they deserve to be loved, and that one day they will be loved again?
Song of the Moment: Dead Hearts by Stars
To tell you the truth, I had absolutely no idea that today was the first day of Lent (aka Ash Wednesday) until I heard it mentioned on the radio around 8:15 am CT. So since then, I’ve been thinking about what I could give up for Lent. Hmmmmm…
