Okay, Carrie. I want you to be honest with me. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Give it to me straight. Say it exactly how you see it. Tell me what’s wrong with me. Most importantly, tell me what I need to do to change it.
This is the beginning of a conversation I’ve been having in my head for the past week with the fictional character that I’ve always looked up to. To me, she always appears as though “knows it all”. She may not be perfect, but she is fearless when it comes to livin’ and lovin’. She isn’t afraid to be judged nor worried about getting her heart broken. In a stylish outfit and killer heels, every day she opens the door to her apartment and says, “Hello, World! Here I am!”
That’s how I want to be. I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw. I want to break out of this funk (depression) and start living again. I want to strap on a cute outfit and accessorize with a worry-free mind. I want to tell the world, “I’m back!” with a big happy smile on my face.
I’m actually feeling better this week, but know that I have a long way to until I’m back on my feet again. Although I’m confident that spending more time with kids (and much less time staring at a computer screen) will only be in my favor. But I know that I need to work through some things, instead of always convincing everyone and myself by saying “I’m okay”.
But what’s the secret, Ms. Bradshaw? How did you get over your bout with depression back in the first movie? What helped you bounce back to your fabulous self? Any advice? Words of wisdom? What’s the first step that I need to take? What do I need to change? Am I on my way, or do I have a long way to go?
As I begin writing this post I’m reminded of last night, which consisted of a somber version of myself staring at similiar screen shot in an attempt to revert to some blog therapy as a way to break my funk. Seriously, who has a funk on New Year’s Day? Okay, so maybe it makes more sense to call it a hangover/funk. But to be fair, I really can’t blame it as much on the hangover as I’d like. My emotions were too out of whack to blame it on that, and frankly, I don’t think I drank enough the night before to be that hungover. Well whatever it was, it was miserable. Really, really miserable. So miserable that I decided to spare any potential readers and only open up to a few friends (via email and text) about my rough night. (Thanks, girls!)
So unfortunately, last night’s emotional messiness has me feeling off again today. (Think aftershock.) But then again, I’m doing my best to fight it off. After all, it’s a new year! And I have to agree with Darlene when she said that this is going to be a great year for me.
So since yesterday didn’t start the year off too well, I’m going to give today a go. So cheers to a new year and a bundle of changes for yours truly. As always, I have absolutely no idea what to expect this year, but I really hope that I can break out of my funk (depression) as soon as possible and make up for last year. I’m planning to do a lot of self-reflection this year, beginning tonight- after work & class- in hopes that I can really break away from some of my bad habits. So cheers! Let’s get this year started off right!
XOXO
K
Yesterday I received an email from Nathan, who was interested in writing a guest post for Live.Love.Learn.Breathe. How could I possibly say no? As someone who recently decided to pursue a new career path and return to school, I found myself inspired by Nathan’s own story. I hope you are to! Thanks, Nathan, for sharing your journey with us.
At the end of my twenties, I was at a point where I was far from satisfied with my life. I had the typical office job, stuck in a cubicle answering the phone and typing away at a computer. I got together with some guy friends on weekends but didn’t feel as though I had much of a social life other than that. I had all but given up on dating and had resigned to accepting my bachelor lifestyle.
In school, I was one of those kids that had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up getting a degree in business with a minor in psychology, assuming that my degree would get me a decent job with a good salary. While I did get a well-paying job, it was definitely not one that I found to be fulfilling or even interesting. But of course, I had been thinking about money over happiness, assuming that a good salary would lead to happiness outside of work. Now I was stuck.
A phone conversation with my older brother one evening changed all of this. I happened to mention that I wasn’t that happy with my job. He replied, “Why don’t you go back to school?” This is definitely not something I had thought about before. I didn’t know what I would study or how it would help me. My brother mentioned that a friend of his had done it in order to start a new career and that it sounded like something I might try. I said I’d think about it.
I didn’t really think much about it for a few weeks. Then one evening while I was aimlessly surfing around the internet, I decided to do a little research about going back to school, just to settle my curiosity. I’m definitely glad I did. I read lots of inspiring stories about people who seemingly turned their lives around just by following their passions and getting a new degree.
I’ve always been passionate about sports, but at the time I just assumed that the only jobs in sports were for athletes, coaches, and announcers. Somehow I stumbled on a page about sports psychology, and it was as if a light bulb went on above my head. I knew it was for me.
To make a long story short, I ended up going back to school and getting a Master’s degree in Sports Psychology. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. Now I get to work with athletes and other individuals who need help working through injuries, overcoming mental obstacles, and sticking to a training regime. I get to work with others who are just as passionate about sports as I am.
By the way, my self-esteem improved as well, which helped me to meet and fall in love with the girl I’m now married to. Five years ago, I never would have imagined myself in the place I am now.
Maybe you’re frustrated with your job and have passions you’ve never fully explored. While it may not be for everyone, going back to school is one way to turn your life around. With so many degrees available and even options like online college, it’s never been easier.
This article was written by Nathan Henley. He is a sports psychologist who specializes in performance improvement and injury rehabilitation. He also owns the site, Sports Psychology Degree, for students interested in getting a degree in sports psychology.
If I took a shot every time one of my teachers said, “When you enter the real world next year…” during my senior year of high school, I would have been drunk more times than I was in college. (Okay, probably not entirely true but you get the point.) We all now know that for the majority of us, ‘the real world’ did not start until after college, grad school and/or when we finally moved out of our parents’ houses and changed our permanent address. For me, that new permanent address and real world experience was far from Pittsburgh, PA; however, I cannot say the say for most of my high school classmates. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that at least half of them remain in the same state, if not the same city.
Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with that, but will say that I’m not planning on joining the Pittsburgh Residency Club again anytime soon. To tell you the truth, I knew that ever since high school when I would spend my days and nights dreaming of a life outside of here. I imagined living in New York City and working for a popular magazine, or traveling the country as a sports reporter. Other daydreams took me to Florida, California, Hawaii, and any other sunny spot that was far, far away from snowy winters. In essence, I didn’t know where exactly the future would take me but knew it would take me anywhere but here.
Because of this notion, I find myself struggling with trips back home since I know I don’t belong here.
Last night I spent some time with one of my only (remaining) true friends from high school, Matt (MT). As custom after our hangout sessions, I find myself in a juxtapose of thoughts and emotions. My Past vs. My Present/ Future. What’s Made Me vs. Who I Am Today. Most days, as I flicker through Facebook, I struggle to remember those people from my past; and, more importantly, I struggle to remember who I was back then. Or better put, I struggle to figure out if I really am that same girl who once called Pittsburgh ‘home’.
So much has changed these last 10 years. For goodness sake, I’ve changed a lot- or better put, I’ve grown a lot. For starters, I’ve ventured out of the Hampton Bubble and been practically living on my own since then. The friends I had in middle school and high school haven’t been friends since then, and if anything, most of them are nothing more than a Facebook ‘friend’ and someone my mom asks about from time to time. Those former classmates of mine don’t know me anymore, nor do I know them. According to Facebook, most of them are living in Pittsburgh with either a significant other, fiance, spouse and/or child(ren).
And to them, I’m probably just a name from the past that is now living in Chicago and involved in a lot of charity work. Maybe they wonder, or assume, that I have a boyfriend (which I don’t)- although my empty relationship status and lack of photos with guys probably assures them I’m still single. (After all, I’ve always been single. Guess I haven’t changed that much.) And they probably think I’m happy too- as I’ve always appeared to be to those from Hampton. (Happy and very nice is how I’ve always been seen.) To be honest, I don’t remember a time during my teenage years that I was fully happy… which has a lot to do with why I always imagined myself getting out of Hampton in the first place. I just knew there was some other place for me.
But to be fair, there are moments when I wish that I could be one of those people who found happiness in Pittsburgh. Not only would I be closer to my family, but it would be nice to sustain friendships with those who I’ve known since my childhood days. (Thank goodness for Stef and Matt.) But while I could wish and hope sometimes, the truth is I know whole-heartedly that this place isn’t the one for me.
For now that place is Chicago. Chicago is fulfilling those big city dreams of mine, and the people in my life are certainly the friends I’ve been longing to have for some time now. To me, that’s what makes me most content with my life. Sure, I may not be in a relationship, expecting a child, and/or own my place, I know that I’ve living out my dreams. This is something I need to remind myself instead of worrying about what Facebook friends of mine have that I don’t. They may be living out their dreams, just as I’m living out mine.
To be honest, it’s all a blur. I have a hard time believing that tonight has brought the end of another Christmas. Even though I’m sitting here, staring at the lights on the Christmas tree in my parents’ living room, I have to keep reminding myself that another Christmas has passed. But the strangest thing is…it never really felt like Christmas to begin with.
Without any children here to make the holiday a little merrier and brighter, it unfortunately felt like another day with family. It’s not a bad thing, but it just made me realize how much better a holiday can feel when a child is smiling and laughing while running around opening presents and sneaking too many cookies.
The lack of holiday spirit may not merely be the absence of children. Instead it may be the absence of me. While I’ve been feeling more rested since getting home yesterday afternoon, I’m still struggling to get back to my old self again. But I will say that a Christmas gift today gave me a glimpse that things are going to soon change for the better.
So here I am, trying my best to get through this post and noticing I’m failing miserably. Every now and then I’ll glance back up at the lights on the tree in hopes that the Christmas magic will seep into my soul. But while I may feel a bit better, I know I still have a way to go before feeling strong again. A lot has happened since last Christmas- good and not so good. But I have faith that next Christmas will be a different story. The gift that I received today is just one of the reasons why I know this to be true.
I’m pretty sure I speak for every single girl (and probably boy too) when I say that being single isn’t easy- especially during the holidays. There just something about the falling snow and twinkling lights that elicits PDAs, even without the help of mistletoe. It’s not that us singletons are bitter or jealous, but rather we feel taunted by the overload of kisses on every street corner and engagement announcements on Facebook. Again, we’re not bitter…we’re just human. It’s not easy to smile every time you find out another high school ‘friend’ is engaged or hear a valley girl bragging about what her boyfriend is getting her for Christmas on the bus. To be honest, some days it’s just plain difficult. Okay, most days, especially when you’re also struggling to smile through an already-broken heart.
I’m a little disappointed in myself these days. When did I become a cynical girl who stopped believing in true love? When did I begin gagging at the sign of lovey-dovey cuddle sessions at the bus stop? When did I stop spending time with couples at bars asking them how they met? When did I start being one of those sad girls who really doesn’t believe that she’ll ever find love?
The truth is I don’t know how to start believing again. I’m not really sure that I’m capable of doing so granted the sad & cynical state I’ve found myself in lately. Maybe it’s going to take time? Maybe it’s going to take a miracle? Or maybe it’s never going to happen? After struggling for 7 years to get over a first love who never officially knew my feelings (ck) and falling for a guy that I never had a chance of calling mine (“Cleveland”), I find myself grasping for something. Anything that makes me believe again that love is possible for me.
Okay, this is definitely coming off more rash than meant to be, but I guess my point is this: How are broken hearts supposed to be repaired? How can dead hearts become alive again? What is the secret? Who holds the key? There are so many broken hearts in our world today, some of them belonging to very good friends of mine. How can I fix them? How can I make them whole again? How can I help them believe in love again? How can I help them see that they deserve to be loved, and that one day they will be loved again?
Song of the Moment: Dead Hearts by Stars
While I’m reluctant to admit this, I will. I’ve been laying in my bed for the last hour feeling nothing but emptiness. At some moments, despite trying my hardest, I couldn’t even feel my own body weight under the covers. It’s instances like that when I know I have to turn to my blog- or a confidante- and acknowledge the struggles I’m having instead of hiding my feelings (or lack thereof) inside in hoping that some sleep will end the struggles.
Things have been rough lately, as I opened up about on my last few posts. But while the loss of a job, struggles with finances, and the end of a relationship have played a role, I must admit that my biggest challenge has been with depression. As hard as it is to say, I’ve been depressed for most of the past year; and for the most part, I’ve kept these struggles to myself.
But today I’ve opened up about these difficult times to a few people, one of those being a women in California who is unfortunately suffering from depression too. As the recipient of a love letter bundle from The World Needs More Love Letters (www.moreloveletters.com), I decided to open up to her and share that I, too, and enduring similar challenges right now. My reason was not to bring the focus to me, and if anything it was just the opposite. I wanted her to know that she isn’t alone. For individuals suffering from depression, it is so important that they know they are not alone- because that is most of what they feel.
Depression is a horrible creature. Not only have I learned by battling it myself, but I’ve watched many loved ones suffer from it too. It is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, if I had one, and if anything I have dedicated much of my life to helping others overcome depression because it breaks my heart to know that someone could possibly feel this way. Unfortunately anxiety & depression have played a large role in my life, which is something I used to be ashamed to admit. But to be honest, it’s a struggle I’ve learned to embrace because it allows me to better understand and help others get through it.
So while I’m still here working on my own issues every day, I can tell you that I whole-heartedly know that this too shall pass. I recognize that everything is temporary and therefore, I’ll get through these weak moments. And although I continue to keep most of my struggles to myself, I have hope knowing that I’m not alone.
If you’ve never battled depression, I envy you. Even though it’s brought awareness and experiences to my life, I wish this wasn’t part of my destiny. But since it is, I can share my story. And maybe, someone will come across this and find peace in knowing that they aren’t alone.
My friend, Jenny, and I have been going through our own respective rough patches these last few weeks, so much so that I truly believe that we should book our 1-way ticket to California do we can wash away all of our worries with bottomless glasses of wine. Ah, California. The trip of no worries, no anxieties, and no drama. It was two months ago (today actually) that I was thrilled to escape this frantic city and chaotic life for sunshine and lots of red wine. Eight weeks ago I was feeling refreshed, confident, and high on life. Fifty-six days ago, I had no idea how lost I was going to feel when reality and I returned to Chicago.
Jenny has been ‘my person’ (like Meredith & Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy) since that trip- if not before. Over the last few weeks, we’ve exchanged hundreds of texts, emails, and phone calls; shared dozens of drinks; and tried to give the best to make the other feel better. Unfortunately we’re both still struggling, but at least we both know by now that we’re not alone through these challenging times.
The last two months/ eight weeks/ fifty-six days have been an emotional whirlwind for me. Yes, those days include my “break-up” with “Cleveland” and the 1o-day pact to get over him, but there’s so much that I haven’t mentioned…until now. Where should I start? Hmmm…well, within ten hours of my flight landing in Chicago, I was informed that my organization was “letting me go” because I “no longer have a place there”. Since then I’ve been struggling to find something, focusing on nanny jobs that would fit my school schedule and allow me to apply my child development knowledge. After at least a dozen of interviews, I’m still without a family. On top of that, there are my financial issues. (Sorry, but I don’t feel like going there.) And then there is the inevitable boy trouble. As noted, “Cleveland” still weighs heavy on my mind (and in my heart); but in addition, yesterday I found myself hurt again. After having a platonic rendezvous with “Missouri” last week, he joined the Club of Guys Who Don’t Want Me. (I’m not kidding, or trying to feel sorry for myself. It’s true.) So yeah, even though my situation with him include absolutely no feelings and nothing-but-fun, he left me too.
So while I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I am sad. I’m heartbroken. I feel unwanted beyond belief. I want to run away and start all over again. And most importantly, I don’t want to feel so alone right now…but really that’s all I’m feeling.
But I’ll admit that I whole-heartedly believe that I’m going to feel better soon. After a break from school and work, not to mention a week back home visiting family and friends, I’m going to feel better. I’ll feel better after I leave my job and start fresh with something new- or at least have more time for school work. As “Missouri” keeps saying, “(I) need time to heal.” To be honest, right now I feel like I just need someone to carry me; someone to be there for me. But then again, maybe he’s right. Maybe I need to heal. But you know what? I don’t know if I can or rather, exactly what it is that I need to heal from.
All I want is to feel better. And none of this temporary fix stuff from a boy who gives me attention at the bar and for a few days of texting after. I want to feel like myself again.
Song of the Moment: We Are Young by Fun ft. Janelle Monae & We Are Young performed by Glee Cast
For the past week this girl found herself really wanting to find comfort in the arms of a boy. Fortunately for her, she was able to find just that. While last Wednesday proved to be an emotionally destructive day, it did bring about a new friendship in the form of a guy who needed as much distraction and companionship as she did. (We’ll call him “Missouri”.) Just like me, Missouri needed someone to be there for him to help pass the time and let him know that he’s not alone. So for the last (approximately) ten days, I’ve spent at least six of those nights wrapped up in the arms of Missouri as my eyes closed and my weary mind began to rest for a few hours of sleep- or what may be better called a temporary fix.
As I sit here on a Saturday night, struggling to motivate myself to work on a 15-page paper, I realize that what this girl really wants is to feel better. She wants to knock all of her issues out the door, once and for all. She wants to overcome her struggles with stress, anxiety, (lack of) trust, and depression. She doesn’t want to hold herself back anymore. She doesn’t want to rely on the arms of a guy to make her feel better.
I’ve been listening/watching to the performance of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun from Glee all day today. Not only has it resonated with me, but it’s also made me feel as though it’s being sung directly to me. It’s as though the singer is telling me, “You haven’t been having much fun lately. You haven’t been happy. So you need to stop being in denial, stop suppressing your struggles, and really focus on dealing with your issues instead of allowing them to build up and get worse.”
I am consciously aware that running into Missouri’s arms is not the best thing to be doing right now. I know that I should stop relying on such a distraction and focus on working through my issues instead. Trust me, despite of all the crazy things I’ve been jumping into lately I still know my rights from my wrongs. I still know what’s best for me. I still know what I really need. But truth be told, sometimes I just don’t want to do the right thing. I don’t necessarily always have the patience nor the strength to do what’s right. But I think I’ve gotten to the point that I cannot keep running away by saying “I have issues”. I’m pretty such that this dose of depression has really made me think, What can I do to make this go away once and for all? How can I work on letting myself be happy instead of relying on temporary fixes, vices, and distractions? What will it take for this girl to finally be freed from the chains that weigh her down and have fun?
In some ways I’m proud of that chapter. I fought for love. I had poison ivy. You know, I lost, but I really fought.
(Addison, Private Practice.)
I knew I had to get over him so when the cute, movie-inspired idea of getting over a guy in 10 days popped into my mind, I really thought I could make it happen. After all I did that Master Cleanse for 10 days+, so why couldn’t I do this? I mean I’ve always been stubborn-minded enough to know that I would achieve something once I set a goal. Why couldn’t I do this? If I could do that, then this shouldn’t be that hard?
For the last few years I’ve stated my claim that you cannot force feelings. You cannot force yourself to have feelings for someone nor can you for someone to have feelings for you. That being said, these last ten days I was reminded that you also cannot stop yourself from having feelings for someone, nor can you force someone to stop having feelings for you. Instead, it happens over time…and not necessarily ten days. Not to mention most people don’t tend to get over someone until they find someone new.
Now I cannot necessarily say that I met someone new nor are my feelings for “Cleveland” completely dunzo. But I can report that I haven’t thought about him much nor have I contacted him these last three days. In other words, I’m feeling much better than I was at this time last week- which has a lot to do with staying busy and distracted by school work and something else I”m not going to talk about. But I do still miss him, which was confirmed during those 10 days of trying to get over him. I miss him because, even though I tried to fight it for 3 months, the chemistry was there. Sometimes two people just have a connection; and sometimes, despite that connection, two people just cannot be together…which is why I have to continue to get over him.
I’ve received such sage advice from others who have “been in the same place before”, which really has helped me in the getting over “Cleveland” process. They’ve shared that- it’s best to have no contact…delete all of his texts & emails… don’t check his Facebook page… let yourself feel… you can do so much better with someone who can give you what you deserve… he’s not good enough for you… he is being selfish to you… focus on you for now… it’s easier if you don’t see him again…(and so on).
But the best advice I’ve received was from my dear friend, Kate, who painted the picture oh-so clearly in saying, “Affairs like mine and yours are like a drug. It’s like an addiction, you keep going back for more because of the instant gratification (attention, sex, etc) that the guy gives you.” Immediately upon reading that, I realized that Kate was right. My attraction to him- physically, emotionally, and sexually- made me crave him, as though he was my addiction. I was high when he I had him, yet distraught when he was absent. I longed to have him again, even going as far as to making excuses as to why I “needed” him. I never needed him…I just wanted him. He was my drug of choice; everything I thought I needed to feel good. But what I’ve learned through this 10-day process is that I really am okay with out him.
So while I failed to get over “Cleveland” in ten days, I cannot say that I’m a failure. In fact, I have no regrets about the 10-day pact that I made myself and the slip-ups that I had along the way. Do I wish that I could say that I went 10 days without contacting him? Absolutely! Do I wish that I could say “I’m over him”? Of course. But as Addison said, I am proud of the lessons learned in this chapter of my life. And because of what I’ve learned, I know that one day I’ll finally get over “Cleveland”.
Okay, Carrie. I want you to be honest with me. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Give it to me straight. Say it exactly how you see it. Tell me what’s wrong with me. Most importantly, tell me what I need to do to change it. 
