Archive for the ‘anxiety’ Tag
Today was not my day. I could leave that as the entry for this post but instead I feel like I need to spend some time rehashing the events of the past 15 hours in order to let them go in hopes for a better tomorrow.
It was a grey-skies day here in Stone Harbor, New Jersey, which isn’t always appreciated when you only have 6 days of vacation to begin with. Fortunately my family and I are fairly easygoing and figured that it’s better to be at the beach on a rainy day than not at all. So we managed to find something to entertain ourselves. After the belgium waffle breakfast, my dad and I went for a bike ride; and at that time things were fine. However, also immediately upon arriving back to the house, I felt my mood taking a turn.
Was I tired? Did I need to take a nap (at 11 am)? Did I need coffee? Was my blood sugar low? Did I need something to eat?
Whatever the problem happened to be, it stuck with me for the entire day. I actually find myself writing this with the funk encircling me as I typed each letter, and even when I pause in hopes of an anxiety-free moment. No such luck.
I really did try to shake this bug today. Before venturing downtown with my mom for some rainy day shopping, I put on a cute outfit, complete with leggings and a dress/long top, with complete faith that this, accompanied with a coffee, would bring some life back to me. Unfortunately not even my drug of choice (coffee) could come to my rescue. Halfway through that cup of caffeinated sanity, I found myself fighting off a panic attack as I dodged 3 ft troublemakers and spoiled brats on the downtown Stone Harbor streets and in each and every store. Thinking about the ignorance of their parents (ie. true ‘soccer mom’ types indeed) only increased my anxiety as I resided to sitting on a stoop to escape the madness.
I absolutely love kids. I really do. I mean I wouldn’t be focusing all of my efforts, and a possible (temporary) relocation back to Pittsburgh, if I didn’t. (Sometimes I’ve been thinking about during this week of R&R…or whatever we want to call it.) But the ‘kids’ today were not those kids that make you smile when they smile, nor those kids that have you smiling on the ‘worst day of your life’ just because of the cute thing they said. No, the kids that I came across today were the kids that were screaming “I want this” and “I want that” and throwing tantrums in the middle of an aisle as their parent(s) was whoknowswhere and probably on her/his cell phone.
See those aren’t kids because I know kids. And the kids that I know the reason I know I’m meant to work with kids…just hopefully not ‘those kids.”
Anyways, I came home afterwards- after witnessing 3 terrors little girls in another store and literally having my jaw drop at their brattiness and their mothers’ lack of control/ignornace- and read for a few minutes before passing out on a lounge chair in the rain. (I just didn’t care.) In hopes of abandoning my funk for good, I showered and put on another cute outfit as we embarked on a dinner and BYO wine at El Sole. (Delicious.) With a bottle of wine finished between us, we headed home for some cornhole. Yep, tonight was not my night either because I was horribly embarrassed.
And that brings me to now…12:30 am. I guess the day is officially over and unfortunately my funk is not. Seriously, who has a panic attack and anxiety-ridden day on vacation? Hopefully this is just PMS and (fingers crossed) the sun tomorrow will cure me.
We used to have a small video store right near my house. We’d trek through the Robinson’s back yard, cross Middle Road, maybe run inside Wagner’s Market to pick up something for dinner for my mom, and then over to browse the aisles for the available VHS tapes. Yep, no DVDs yet. Does that age me? Anyways, I remember looking for something new to catch my eye; however I tended to always choose the same ones, such as: My Father the Hero, Now and Then, Casper, Clueless, My Best Friend’s Wedding, and if I wasn’t feeling well then I almost always opted for The Cutting Edge and French Kiss (not sure why.) I vaguely remember my dad asking me once, “Don’t you want to watch something new?” “No. Not really.” I never knew the right reason to defend myself, but after hearing this line in a Gossip Girl (title of post) I finally had my answer. Like Blair, “I like knowing how things are going to turn out.”
These days I still have my go-to-movie choices, although they seem to have a little more depth to them and model some of the aspects in my life more closely. The Notebook, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and 500 Days of Summer are common ones, and I have a feeling that Eat Pray Love will be on that list as soon as I own it. These are the movies that I turn to on Sick Days, Bored Days, “Me” Days, Hanging out with My Girls Days, and inevitably on those I Just Need a Good Cry Days. Why do I turn to these movies on such various occasions?None of these are the basic 90-minute love story, and in fact each of the respective couples face their own obstacles and personal challenges. But no matter what ride each undergoes, I always know how it ends. For instance, do you know why I really like watching The Notebook? It’s because the movie reminds me how important it is to believe in something. We all need something to believe in. We need to know that our efforts are making a difference and that we really are working towards something important to us.
Right now, I need something to believe in. Stef reminded me of the song One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum. One of the lines in the song says: You wake up every morning and ask yourself, What am I doing here anyway? I know, I know. Everything happens for a reason…life is about the journey, not the destination…yada yada yada. But with the anxiety I’ve been experiencing lately, this question floats around my mind immediately upon waking up and several times throughout the day. What am I doing with my life?
Time and time again I refer to myself as a dreamer, but fail to elaborate that it means I’ll also a believer, believing that the dream actually has a chance of coming true. Because of this quality I have a hard time giving up on things. Mix it in with my stubbornness (from my father) and my will-power and you have someone who is willing to fighter for anything she’s believes in. For instance, do you even know how many times I wanted to give up on Casey? Every day for years, but something within me said to keep believing. So I believed. I believed even though it pained me to think about him, to wait for him; but then it hurt more not to. But now I wonder if he was nothing more than something that I made myself believe in. I fought myself to keep believing in him; in us; that we were meant to be together (for some serendipitous reason). I believed that I always knew our ending, and therefore, all of our obstacles were worth fighting through. But maybe my beliefs were all wrong…
Belief makes things feel, feel alright. Those are lyrics from the song Belief by Gavin Degraw. I used to listen to that song over and over again, and now, I cannot. I just tried listening to the song when I linked it and had to turn it off. What happened to me?
Yesterday I found myself angry as I was walking through Lakeview to meet up with Stef & Rory, and I told them about this because I couldn’t believe it myself. I am not an angry person at all and never have been! What is wrong with me? Sorry Chicago, but I have to hold you somewhat responsible for my current emotional statement. I think I’ve grinned and bared it for so long and now feeling the repercussions of those repressed feelings…maybe? Whatever it is, it needs to end. My head is pounding with pain and anxiety. I need something to believe in. I need to know that this is more than the life is a journey BS that I’ve been feeding myself.
I need to believe in the line, beauty attracts beauty, that I read in Eat. Pray. Love. yesterday.
I need to know what I’m fighting for.
I need to know how this all turns out so I can keep myself going. Because right now, I really don’t know. If you tell me what it’s all about, I’ll keep fighting. I promise.
Take a long hard look at my face. Take away the things I can’t replace. Take my heart, go on take it away. I’ve got nothing to say.
Take away this sense of regret. Take the things I need to forget. Take the mistakes I haven’t made yet. They’re all I have left. I don’t want to be the one who lets you down. All I did was run myself around.
~Things I Never Needed by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
My dear frenemy, Anxiety, decided to surprise me with a visit these past few days. It’s been quite awhile so I should have seen it coming, but since Exhaustion has been staying with me I just didn’t expect the extra company. Not to mention, Nostalgia has been popping his head in to say “Hello” this week. All of these guests while trying to recover from my parents’ visit has left me one run-down little girl, more mentally than physically. I woke up this morning, after at least 10 hours of sleep, feeling tired and maybe even a bit under the weather. I also felt sad. But I’ve worn these sweats before and therefore decided to listen to my psychiatrist and have a ‘me’ day. He literally prescribed me to such instructions and so I might as well give it a go.
For some reason I thought that ‘me’ time would be well spent by venturing down to Michigan Avenue for some retail therapy at Victoria’s Secret and a quick stop at Forever XXI, as well as a few short stops for other errands- including a much-needed trip to the grocery store. On the bus ride down I tried tuning everyone else out; however, when Anxiety is present then it’s a typically failed task. In an attempt, I began reading Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman, which was suggested by magnolia. Even though she drew my attention to the last essay, acknowledging that it’s something quite suitable for my thought (and experience) on first love, I opted to start from the beginning. On the first page, I immediately read something that appealed to me:
I am not qualified to live here. I don’t know what qualifications are necessary to live in any certain place at any given time, but I know I don’t have them.
Ohio. I was qualified to live in Ohio…Living in Ohio was not outside my wheel-house. But this place they call New York…this place is more complicated. Everything is a grift, and everyone is a grifter.
Upon reading those few lines I found myself looking into a sea of people who reminded me that I was not in Ohio, anymore. When I looked up, I didn’t see one familiar face amongst the crowd. I was the outsider. The one that left people wondering, What is she doing here? Okay, I’m probably giving most of the people on the bus more credit than they deserve since most of them appeared to be more concerned with spending their husbands’ and/or fathers’ money in the high-end stores on Michigan Ave. Instead I was the one thing, What am I doing here?
When my parents were in town I found myself loving the city. I was down on Michigan Avenue, surrounded by two people I love the most, feeling content with where I was. I may have even felt like I fit in…kinda, sorta. And now, like always, the bliss has left my soul. exhaustion, are you still here? Is this why I’m feeling this way?
For the past few weeks I’ve been running on hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that my wish was about to come true. (It has yet to happen. I’m losing hope.) Last night I had a dream about that wish and the message was …(She) is very impressed with you and wants to talk with you. (She’ll) be in touch with you soon. Upon waking, Hope told me to believe. That the dream was a sign of the wish coming true in time.
But my unwanted guest, Anxiety, always seems to trump Hope. Anxiety never, ever gives me Hope’s messages nor tells me when Hope stops over when I’m in the shower. And Anxiety constantly tells me that I’m better off without Hope so it’s better to forget Hope altogether. Pretend like Hope never existed. See Anxiety is the ex-boyfriend that always comes even when I realize that he’s not good enough for me. I know the Anxiety holds me back, but for some reason I tend to give in and let him back into my life. Anxiety tends to forbid me from meeting new suitors like Happiness, Love, and, most importantly, Confidence. You know what, that’s a lie. Anxiety let me once…but I somehow I found myself back in his arms- never allowing myself a fair shot with any of the others.
The sadness rushing over me is ironic because Nostaglia’s visit these past few weeks has also helped me reconnect with Forgiveness. Replacing regret & remorse with acceptance and second changes typically , but Anxiety seems to be in its fighting shape this time.
So where do I fit in with all of my guests? Are there too many of them to even know where to begin? It seems that way. But from past hostessing jobs, I’ve come to learn that Anxiety always leaves- sometimes without any warning. So here’s to hoping that a better tomorrow is to come tomorrow. Afterall the sooner, the better.
As mentioned in a previous post, I am going to divulge the details from my past, well since graduating high school, up until this point. This June marks my 4th anniversary as an Ohio U alum, and therefore I feel the need to look back on all of my Junes, beginning with June 2002- when I graduated from my alma mater, Hampton High School.
Adventure must start with running away from home. (William Bolitho)
June 2007 : My dream of moving to Columbus, OH finally came true! After a year of living in Pittsburgh and selling my soul to The Cheesecake Factory (with I somewhat enjoyed), I accepted an AmeriCorps position in Columbus at a non-profit organization, Children’s Hunger Alliance. Shout out to my CHAers!
Since my friend, Tony, was looking for a new apartment at the time, we decided to live together. Sidenote: Tony and I were once kinda-sorta friends with benefits back in college, but I knew that the roommate line would not be crossed. (And it never once was, thank you very much. Will power.)
Anyways, looking back I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was excited about the job and the opportunity to move to Columbus, just the same. It was my first big girl job, of course I was naive. Working for a non-profit that helped kids sounded like a dream come true to me. It was through this position that I was introduced to Action for Healthy Kids, as my main role was to support the infrastructure of Ohio AFHK. I loved the role and the people who I worked with at CHA and OAFHK.
Everything really came together for me fairly quickly, and that has a lot to do with a few friends of mine. Kristin and Jim, the newlyweds, took me under this wing and showed me around town. Jim also took it upon himself (with encouragement from Kristin, of course) to set me up. After a few blind dates/ set-ups, he learned that it was not an easy task. (Sorry, Jim.) I had so much fun with them tha summer as we ventured to the Jazz & Rib Fest, Rascal Flatts at the Ohio State Fair (after many margaritas and more), Miranda Lambert and Toby Keith concert (courtesy of CHA), and many late nights at Nyho’s and the Arena District.
This lovely girl, Sarah, is another God-sent friend of mine that helped me adjust and enjoy my time in Columbus. There is really not enough time or space to write about Sarah. She’s wonderful! Sarah brings out a different side of me which allows me to just be free. There’s no rulebook with Sarah, and usually there is a lot of alcohol during my times with her as well. We had a lot of fun, that’s all that matters. (Don’t judge.)
Moving to Columbus allotted me the opportunity to reconnect with Julie- thanks to Facebook. Julie, my dear friend from Kent State, was fortunately living back in C-bus with her parents. I can still remember driving to her house the Sunday afternoon of our fateful reunion! In a way I was nervous, knowing how much I’d changed since Kent and worrying if she had too. Of course we had changed! We were nineteen years old back then, but luckily we were able to pick up right where we left off. I’m just so glad I got her back in my life!
While living in Columbus gave me the opportunity to connect with college friends, I was also blessed to make many new friends as well. The summer of 2007 was one of my favorites. I was so happy to be back in Ohio, and Columbus really felt like home to me.
Song of the Moment: It Feels Like Home to Me- Chantal Kreviazuk
Sidenote: If you ever have the opportunity to see Miranda Lambert in concert, GO! Trust me.
June 2008: This summer was a lot different from the one proceeding it, and can be explained best by one simple word: Anxiety. With my AmeriCorps term and lease ending, I was forced to make many decisions. Where was I going to live? Should I stay in Columbus? What am I going to do for income? Where am I going to work? I spent a lot of my non-working hours at work, either doing work work or personal work (researching jobs, apartments, and who the heck knows what else.) On top of all of this I should add that work was insane for me during this time, and I’ll just leave it at that. Those who know me, know the rest.
You know what, I’m not going to ramble on with stories from this time. As you know I’ve been honest about my past struggles and when I say anxiety, I mean cannot sleep-cannot think straight anxiety. It was bad, but at the time I didn’t realize just how bad it was. My friends were worried about me and they didn’t even know the half of it- how I felt. I felt horrible and I looked horrible. I wasn’t me.
My friends, April and Billie, really took care of me during that time. I’m not used to showing my weaknesses but felt comfortable enough doing so with them. (Thank you both.) I’ve just always been used to run away or hiding my pain, but this time was different. I needed someone to be there for me. I couldn’t shut the entire world out. My other friends showed their support but I just couldn’t let them in. I look back and regret it, but fortunately I learned a valuable lesson from my mistakes: If you have good enough friends who want to me there for you in times of struggles and ugliness, let them.
I’m giving you the cliff notes version to help you understand what happened next. As I said, I wasn’t myself during this time. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to get there again. After spending the summer panicking and running myself down trying to figure out just how I was going to stay in Columbus (where I wanted to be), I was introduced to a new opportunity: A job opening at Action for Healthy Kids in Chicago.
Trust me, I thought about this for a day before confiding in anyone else- and only a few people for that matter. I knew I had to take a chance on this, and I really didn’t have a choice. Although it wasn’t out in the open, the recession had begun and 1-year as an AmeriCorps member translated into young and inexperienced. Therefore, I applied and decided to ride this wave as far as it would lead me. Additionally I made my friend Matt promise that he would make sure I said ‘yes’ if offered the position. Well, you know the rest of the story.
Chicago was never in my plans. Maybe part of a daydream about living in a big city but nothing more. At the time I really believed that I’d be a Columbus resident for the rest of my life. Now, two years later, I sit here wondering when I’ll more back there or if I ever will.
Life is unpredictable. That’s just one of the many things I’ve learned when this adventure began two years ago. To this day, I know that I made the right decision in moving here. It may not be perfect, but it’s been something I’ll always hold near and dear to my heart. If I wouldn’t have seized this opportunity, I know that I would have always regretted it, wondering ‘what if’. Do the thing you’ll regret not doing, has become my motto and the reason I made the decision I did.
Why did I just spend so much time talking about my friends? Because they are what Columbus was, and still is to me. These lovely people made my year+ so memorable and they are the reason it was so difficult for me to leave. Like Athens, Columbus isn’t just about the place but more about the people.
May 31, 2010 officially marks the end of a month full of good memories, friends, families, weddings, and lots of travel. I’m beyond exhausted, but as I mentioned in one of my last posts I am merely running on pure adrenaline, love for my friends, and Starbucks.
Shout out to my lovely baristas for that extra shot of espresso every now and then when they knew that it was the only remedy that could cure my tired body and the dark circles underneath my eyes.
I just got back to Chi-town after a weekend with the MacPhersons. Again, I have to thank them publicly for their never-ending hospitality, love, and support. I’m part of their family somehow, I just know it. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but I see them as the New York-version of my own parents. Mr. Mac and my dad are both hard workers; good-hearted men; dedicated husbands; devoted fathers; and connoisseurs of wine and beer. As for my women of the families, my mom and Mrs. Mac are almost clones, minus the NY accent. Both women are prime examples of the perfect wife and mother. They are the definition of a giver; wonderful hostess; and beautiful soul.
My hope is that one day these four can finally meet and be friends for life.
As I said in the beginning of this post, the month of May is finally over…but not forgotten. I consciously cannot even remember where I’ve been and when. I actually feel like April and May were blended together because now I’m recalling how busy April was with Easter Weekend with A, PDoug, and the Littletons (Cinci), Kristin’s Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party (Columbus), Julie’s Bachelorette Party with Laura and Morgan (Chicago)…is that it or was there more in April?
So May, bear with me: Jen & Matt Morel’s visit, Kristin’s Wedding (Columbus), DC (Work) Trip with Laura, Julie’s Wedding (Cleveland/Akron), Lakehouse with the Macs (Lake Michigan). A trip to Pittsburgh to visit with my parents was thrown in there something else, and honestly I think I’m missing some other trips/excursions but thinking of all this back-and-forth is enough for me to process right now.
Can I be honest about something because I cannot figure out who I really want to say this to? I have a fantastic network of friends, family, and confidantes but this is just something that I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with…anyone except my blog readers. So I think you deserve a huge THANK YOU for dealing with, well, me being a girl.
I really didn’t want to go back to Chicago today. I never want to go back after having an amazing weeknd wherever I am- even when I’m in Pittsburgh or Cleveland. It’s not that I wanted to stay at the lakehouse forever, but I wanted to stay in the state of serenity and happiness that I was feeling this weekend. I hate that it never seems to stay whenever I get back in Chicagoland, and even worse, by the time I’m trekking to Skokie the next morning I have completely lost my entire blissful state of mind. Actually, I feel like my blissfulness melted away as soon as I boarded the train this afternoon.
Maybe I am just tired. I mean that very well could be the case. However, I keep coming back to this same feeling. It never seems to change. All I’ve wanted to do all day is cry, scream, curl up in a blanket, work out, and maybe even run away and start something new. I want to do anything except be back in Chicago and wake up tomorrow morning, put on my optimistic face and attitude, and go to Skokie.
I was on the phone with my mom earlier and I really just wanted to hash everything out to her. Instead, I remained quiet on the other end – listening to her talk about Hampton (my hometown)- and let her end the conversation. After I said by goodbye I wanted to cry. The tears were welding up, but I did what I always do in trying my best to hold them back. Be strong. You’ve been through my more difficult things than this, is what I told myself as I looked down at the Purple Heart tattoo on my wrist. My badge of courage and reminder of how strong I am.
Is there such a thing as trying to be too strong? Should I let myself cry? Will that really help anything?
Libby used to tell me in college how strong I am. I never believed her. But today I found myself sitting on the train thinking about all of my struggles and maybe she was right. I mean I’ve battled (bitchy girl) bullying, eating disorders, anxiety, loneliness, and longtime heartbreak, not to mention moving to a new city own my own and dealing with the stress of a anxiety-ridden work environment and financial struggles.
…and through all of this I have never said “woe is me” nor will I ever. I’ll never go on-and-on about being single and not having a boyfriend/fiancée/husband, although it crosses my mind at least once a day. And my heart has been broken for 6-7 years and the only time I’ll ever is want anyone’s attention/sympathy is when I’m on tequila (now called t(h)e- killa)- which is why I make the No Tequila Pact with my friends.
I’ve been lost in this world for awhile now and heartbroken for more years than I’d like to admit, but I’ll continue to wear my poker face and remain optimistic that one day I’ll figure it all out- acknowledging that each and every struggle really was worth it.
But tonight, after stress-reducing workout , I will curl up with my OU sweatshirt blanket and watch The Bachelorette to officially close out May 2010. Thanks for the memories, and the anxiety.
Note: I did let myself cry, and then I couldn’t stop. So yes, I was that girl wearing sunglasses on the train today. So lesson learned: Always carry sunglasses. Sometimes those ‘cloudy/rainy days’ need them just as much as the sunny ones- if not more.
Today has not been my day. For the first time in a long time I woke up to a panic attack. I did everything I’ve learned to do to overcome it, but I sit here hours later and I still am trying to work through it. I’m no stranger to anxiety as it’s played a role in my life for a while now; however, I haven’t had a day like this in a long time. I had the shakes, then the sweats, and then the overpowering headache. AHH! I went outside thinking that some cool air would help, but it didn’t prove to be the solution I was hoping for.
As I’ve shared in past posting, I’ve been K. Funky all week- since I got back from my trip to Columbus. I talked to my mom yesterday about some things, but it’s so hard to tell her exactly how I feel. I’m so torn right now and I guess I’m just looking to feel something. It’s like the Lady Antebellum song, Need You Now, says, Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all. When you’re this down, you cannot feel the pain- which is 1000x worse than any physical pain. You feel numb. You feel lost. You feel like all you want to do is still and stare out at the window. You’re not sure what you’re looking at nor what you’re looking for, but you just want to keep staring because there’s still a tiny piece of hope inside of you.
In the movie, New Moon…yes, as in the Twilight saga movie…there’s this scene that I always think about when I’ve having a bad day. It’s a seem to the song, Possibility by Lykke Li, where Bella is suffering from depression and devastation after Edward and the Cullens left her in Forks. Since I now own the movie, I decided to watch it today. (Here’s the scene in case you’re interested.) Anyone who has suffered from anxiety or depression, the loss and/or death of a loved one, or a broken heart watches this scene and can feel Bella’s pain- or should I say lack thereof.
…this is how I feel today and I’m not sure why. I’ve battled depression before, and my anxiety has greatly minimized over the past year. (That’s why today’s episode was so bad for me.) I just feel lost. Numb. Confused. Looking for something, but not sure what. Searching to feel something, but losing that tiny piece of hope that it’s possible. Maybe it’s just PMS?
Tomorrow is another day, and if anything I’m just more excited for my trip to Cincinnati this weekend. I cannot wait for time with the girls (Rebecca & Adriana) and the pure enjoyment of spending time with Hazel & and little George. Friends, kids, and puppies: That’s what the doctor ordered to overcome this funk. ♥ K
Quote of the day: The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart. (Helen Keller)
Good morning. It’s Monday….wish it was Sunday. Yes, I just paraphrased Manic Monday here. I wouldn’t call today ‘manic’, but I’ll say that my anxiety expectantly visited this morning. These past few weeks have been the worst (anxiety-wise) for me since starting on Lexapro last summer, but I’m learning how to deal with it better. I have to credit all of my therapies- yoga, spinning, writing, reading, shopping, Starbucks, and even this blog.
I’m going to spare you and not give you a detailed account of my weekday morning ritual because 1) you don’t care; 2) I don’t want to be reminded of it. But once I finally leave the house around 6:45 am (gasp), I’ve discovered the joy of walking to the train station. There are two different buses I could take, but this 10-15 minute walk has become my ‘me time’. It’s the one time during my day, until my walk home from the gym, that I really have to myself. Plus, right now the crisp air feels so refreshing and proves to be a perfect wake-up strategy for me.
On that note, let’s go back to my anxiety-ridden morning. Now, even though I walk past 2 Starbucks, 1 Caribou, and a Panera each morning, I find it most fitting to get my Venti Soy AmeriMisto at the Skokie Swift/bus stop. It was a very impatient wait today but I managed, leaving my uncaffeinated mind to wander around in the meantime- causing my anxiety.
Now I warned you that my pre-coffee mind wanders, and today was no exception. In fact this morning I reasoned that someone must really love me if they love me in a uncaffeinated state like this. Yeah, even now that hardly makes sense to me, but I just meant that the early morning me is there with all of her flaws shining through. Behind the make-up and smile is the most simple girl you’ll ever meet. A girl who just wants to be happy and make others happy in return. This can be interpreted as a sappy message, so I’m going to throw in a blah, blah, blah because I can.
Now I could blame this morning’s anxiety on my lack of sleep last night and also on my feelings before bed last night. And I can also say that some days you have it, and some days you don’t….and today is definitely a don’t. I think it’s a combination of those three as well as the fact that I heard two songs today that hit me. Both of these songs have relevant meaning to me from times in my past. In fact, I’m not even sure if I’ve listened to either one of them in a few years. The one, Lifehouse’s Everything, is a shout-out to my high school days, when this cd was the best thing to listen to when having a crappy day. Have I even listened to this song since high school?
The second song is Breathless, originally by Better than Ezra; however, today’s version was performed by Ms Taylor Swift, whose music brings out the teenager in me willingly and freely.
I used to listen to the Better than Ezra version of the song over and over again during my senior year at OU. It was just one of those songs whose lyrics meant something special to me at the time. (Breathless lyrics) I was having such a difficult time back then- anxiety was at it’s all-time high and I was not aware of how to manage it.
As I wrote that I remember that it’s been 4 years since that time in my life. Wow. It’s remembering those moments in the past that help me get through days like today. Remember how far I’ve come; how much I’ve grown; the lessons I’ve learned from; and the mistakes that have guided me in life.
Afterall, we are a lot stronger than we think we are. ♥ K
I first have to say that unfortunately this is not the view during my morning commute to work. For some it is, but I, on the other hand, travel away from the downtown Chicago- very, very far north to a land called Skokie. Oh, the stories I could tell you about the characters I see. I’m almost immune to it now, but in the first few months of moving here I was in disbelief that people like this exist. I must say that one of my favorites is the guy that sings reggae while waiting for the bus. He’s kind of cool, and far from the crazies that I see.
Anyways, my morning commute is a minimum of an hour, and consists of a 10 minute walk to the train station (which I enjoy), 20 minute Purple Line train, 5 minute Yellow Line/ Skokie Swift train, Starbucks run (optional, but necessary), 5-10 minute bus ride, and 5 minute walk into the office. In between each transfer is usually a waiting period, which is the cause of my frustration.
To make the best of this time, I read, write, study, listen to music, and/or daydream. Within the first week of moving here, I decided that I will not be one of those people making calls during this time. For one, you cannot hear people nor can they always hear you. Secondly, it’s is the most annoying & distracting this to listen to as a fellow passenger.
Anyways, I do a lot of thinking on the train- about anything and everything. Sometimes things will just pop into my head, randomly. It may be caused by a song I’m listening to, someone I just read, a dream from the night before or maybe nothing particular brought the thought on at all. Whatever it may be, most of my commute is spent thinking…and thinking… then thinking some more. (I just found this sketch at http://doryandfillet.wordpress.com. Check out her work! It’s truly awesome!)
That’s what happened this morning. I’m reading this book, Letters to God, and before I knew it I was thinking about my past. I’m not even sure exactly what caused the jump. In thinking about random, insignificant memories, I had this feeling like I was that girl again. I guess I should explain what I mean.
For the past couple of years I have been suffering from general anxiety. What exactly caused it? I’m not sure. I battled it in my teens years as well, but it really took a turn for the worst at OU. During that time I decided that I wanted to be someone else. Erase my past. Start fresh. New place. New people. New me. Foolish me to think it was that simple, and being naive enough to not realize that this belief was leading me to years of identity struggle.
When I finally came to my senses, I longed to be that girl again. I wanted to be ME. I knew that the girl I’d been running away from was me, and who I was as a result of my running was not. It’s mornings like today when I reconnect with her for a few minutes and wish that she’d stay longer. I wait (impatiently) for her to return. You know there are a few pictures in my apartment of ‘her’. Some days I’ll stare at them and she’ll look so familiar; while other days it’s as though I’m looking at a stranger. Whether I recognize her or not, I desire to be her. She looks so happy.
For awhile I used to think of myself as a dreamer. I’d get lost in my daydreams, wishing that they were my real life. But now that I’m older and making some of these daydreams a reality, I value this time that I can spend in thought; dreaming; wondering; reconnecting with myself. ♥ K
Finally back in my apartment after a long trip home. The plane ride is only about an hour, but it felt much longer today. And, as much I like kids, this one little girl on the plane was ridiculously annoying. Cute at first with her little remarks, but let’s just say that it got old very quickly. The girl next to me said to her fiancee, “We’re not having kids. If we do then we are drugging them on planes.” How could I not laugh at that?
The rest of the trip back was a little rough. Since I didn’t sleep much last night, I was certainly tired today. But I was surprised to have a minor anxiety attack walking to the train at the airport. Anxiety is something that I’m an experienced veteran in, but today was different than the ones I’ve had in the past. I like to think that all of my discussions with Alisha and classwork really helped me lessen the anxiety and eventually overcome it. I’m a little proud of myself and extremely grateful that it wasn’t worse.
I just looked at the time on my laptop and was shocked to see 8:00 PM. Thank goodness I forgot to switch it back from Eastern Time. So it’s 7:00 PM, I just got home about an hour ago and now it’s time to start my paper for class. Can we pretend like tomorrow isn’t Monday?
Just one more thought. An airport attendant came up to me after I went past security and was getting my things today, to tell me that I had a really nice smile. I was caught off guard, but I made sure I voiced how much I appreciated that. It really was a sweet gesture and something that meant a lot to me. See, there are still good people in this world. ♥ K
Writing this I have the Ke$ha song in my head… Wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy… although I feel nothing like P.Diddy this morning. I don’t even feel like myself. This winter needs to end once and for all!! I swear that just as I start feeling better, the cold weather brings my sinus infection/ crappy sickness right back. A may have mono, so of course now I’m wondering Is that what’s wrong with me too?
I woke up in my lovely Chicago apartment this morning, deciding to hit snooze a few more times and thinking that I would just do my yoga DVD this evening instead of the intention of doing so before work. Oh yeah, that’s right, I won’t be here tonight. I’ll be flying to Pittsburgh: home to my family and my youth.
Seriously, something is wrong with me. I actually just took my temperature and it’s 99.8 which for me means I have a fever. Seriously? Seriously! You cannot understand how appreciative I was when I remembered that Starbucks is only a few blocks away. God bless the Soy AmeriMisto and Dale for introducing it into my life. I remember her exact words from a few weeks ago. “This is life-changing.” She was so right!
I cannot begin to tell you how crazy/inconvenient these past two months have been with trying to balance a full time job and an online class- which I absolutely love- and be sick/run-down. But I’ve lived through it, somehow. Do you ever not consistently feel like yourself? Ever since finally doing something about my anxiety and being prescribed to a mild dosage of Lexapro, I have felt A.MAY.ZING. More like myself than I had in many, many years. However, these past few months, while still on the prescription, I have experienced more anxiety than before. What gives? Let’s diagnose it as a combination of winter crappiness and whatever sickness I have.
This song explains how I’m feeling today: blah blah blah. I’m totally enjoying this Ke$ha girl’s music today. Blame it on the fever or the fact that I’m not myself.
In a few hours I’ll be venturing through the city to get to Midway Airport. Now that’s an adventure all in itself for someone who relies on public transportation. Then it’s off to Pittsburgh, in which I’ll almost immediately go into my parents’ new sauna for some much needed sauna therapy. Even though I thought they were crazy for buying it, I have to say it’s heaven-sent.
See ya in a few days, Chicago!